On Friday night I went to a lounge/nightclub and I had the pleasure of running into someone I went to high school with… The entire experience was a bit like returning to high school. The guest list and velvet ropes separating you from the lowly peons waiting in line… Allowing you to enter the inner sanctum of “coolness” and consume $300 bottles of Grey Goose. It reminded me of all the parties my brother & his friends used to have.
The boyf and I went for a birthday party for one of my favorite fellow girlfs. (One of Josh’s friend’s fiancée) She is the sweetest and probably one of the only people who could get me to sublimate my hatred for the superficial club scene and actually have some fun. I EVEN DANCED! Briefly and only at the table but still. That’s so rare!
Apparently my presence was uncomfortable for the person I ran into. It totally isn’t me that he should feel awkward with, I am not my brother nor do I talk to any of my X boyfs on a regular basis. I felt really bad the dude was holding onto this stuff from literally 10 years ago that didn’t even really involve me. But then I realized that I am still holding onto stuff from just as long ago….
I went through a really confusing time in my life and I have so many people I lost touch with and let slip away cause I felt awkward… I tried to tell him (the person I ran into) that high school was a decade ago and he should let go of anything that happened cause seriously WHO CARES? But I think I was attempting to give advice I can’t take. I try not to have regrets cause I am the person I am because of the things that I have experienced and I like who I am (most of the time) but I have real shame and embarrassment about losing certain friends and alienating others. Some of the choices that I made were so very impulsive and so very wrong. This is why now I am so very careful, I don’t want to lose anymore, and I truly wish I could get some back.
That being said I have no desire to go back to high school, I think my reunion is coming up this year… SCARY! But I think I understand why some people want to go back. When I was 17 and adults told me “your high school years are the best years of your life” I usually laughed at them. I thought they were crazy. I mean who would say that? But now I get it, I think. We were so lucky, all we had were trivial problems. There were no bills, no jobs, no taxes, no real pressures in life. All we had to do was study and socialize. I understand now what they meant. The problems we had in high school were created by us, by our superficiality and stupidity…. I would cry when I didn’t have the latest and greatest Abercrombie jeans. Obsessed over whether or not the dude I was crushing on looked at me when I passed him in the hall AND my parents paid for everything! I wanted to be sooo cool and exactly like everyone else when I should have just realized I was me. I don’t want to be that person again… but I would love to not have all of the responsibilities and realities of being an adult. I wish I could talk to 17 year old me and reassure myself that it really really doesn’t matter. So my glimpse into the past concludes with a fresher perspective on the future.