Shanna Geezy

Just another confused little American girl… Rambling my way through the thoughts and the days.

Songs & Smells May 25, 2012

Filed under: Friends,Love,music,Past...,Smells — shannageezyro @ 9:56 pm
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I was talking to my walking buddy the other day about how atrocious my memory has gotten. Call it age, whatever you want I just think more years= more to remember. There are things that I do vividly recall. Times and places with people who have come and gone in my life. Often times I’ll hear a song on the radio and it will transport me back to a moment, a little sliver of time that’s associated with the words and verses strung together in a melody. This is why I love music so much. Sometimes they’re good moments, others not so good. Some, like my first kiss and the Tom Petty song  playing at the time are forever entwined. That particular memory is bitter sweet. The recollection of the hope of my first kiss and the knowledge of what the boy did to my heart at a later moment in time (and another song) forever sealed in my mind. Some songs make me recall newer memories, some songs older. Many songs I can remember only from the back seat of a car. My father singing along with all the windows down on the way to an adventure. The happiness I felt even then in a car, singing as loud as I could over the wind and the radio I still feel. That’s why all my cars need sunroofs and loud stereos.

There are also smells that make me remember. The smell of the cold, wet wool sweater my mother wore home on Thursday nights when she worked. The smell of wood, saw dust, and varnish that my Dad brought in from his work. He used to drive in with the Doobie Brothers blaring, his hair in all forms of disarray. Model glue when my brother was younger then beer and Abercrombie cologne accompanied with the bass of Atmosphere and Andre Nickatina when he was older.  Burning oil of a VW bug and Tom Jones  from my very first boyfriend. Cigarettes and Counting Crows remind me of a very dear friend I lost when my world fell apart. The moistness of redwood groves and freshly mowed meadows of  UCSC are forever associated with my discovery of country music. Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros and the lotion they had in the hotel room during my honeymoon will always make me remember the first time someone called me by my married name… That smell and my husbands smile when I know he recognizes it still gives me butterflies.

I don’t know why my mind does this. I try to capture a song and a smell to help me remember the important stuff. It saddens me that I just can’t remember who and why and how anymore at times. I try and try to recall but it seems like if there isn’t a song or a smell the moments are forgotten.

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Anxious Annabelle May 23, 2012

Filed under: Anxiety,Health,Help,House,Past...,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 10:44 pm
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Not really sure why I chose that as the title… I really like the name Annabelle, it’s also possibly because I think if I were someone else I wouldn’t feel how I feel most of the time. I’m not trying to complain but I hate being stuck in my own head sometimes, well actually most of the time. I spend a considerable amount of time trying to talk myself out of thinking so much which is really just more thinking. The amount of pointless and paranoid thoughts I have number a quantity beyond what can be measured by humans. I don’t know when it started but I’ve always been so unbearably aware of the consuming chaos that resides in my brain. It makes it hard to make decisions. It makes it hard to have friends. It makes it hard for me to feel like I ever do anything “right”. It also makes me supremely aware that there is no “right”, or “wrong” just a million different variables I obsess over which lead me to the place I am.

FLOUNDERING.

I am overwhelmed by my inner dialogue, the hundreds of thousands of what ifs whirl around each other and because I lack confidence I do nothing. At least this place (home) I can control. I can let people in, I can make people get out. But if I go somewhere there’s outside things I can’t control. Especially since I can’t even control what’s going on in my head it feels like it’s too much. It seems to me that every time I go anywhere everyone knows I have no freaking clue what the hell I am doing out in the “real world” so I try to avoid it unless I have someone to handle the things that I can’t or don’t want to. I feel like a giant fake and a  fraud. Is the world is full of cyborgs who don’t have to deal with my obsessive thoughts and know exactly what to say to push me over the edge and straight back to the sacred comfort of my house?

YES! According to my brain.

I wish there was a way I could shut it off but there isn’t. I have tried unsuccessfully to experiment with ways to discover my shut off valve but I have only gotten myself in trouble and failed miserably.  If I were named Annabelle I could be tougher, maybe I’d have a cool accent and my eyesight wouldn’t be so horrible. Annabelle would never “shermit” (my husband’s name for my hiding from reality). Annabelle would have done all the things I did “wrong”, “right”.

I am conscious that these feelings are not unique to me. Lots and lots of people cope with anxiety and a large volume of thoughts. It really is better than it has been in years. With age comes wisdom… I guess today I’m just regressing and can’t get a handle on what’s bugging me.  So now I’m wishing I’m someone who never had to deal with it. We’ll see how it goes I guess.