Shanna Geezy

Just another confused little American girl… Rambling my way through the thoughts and the days.

You were the wind beneath my wings… January 27, 2011

Filed under: Family,Love,Past...,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 6:59 am
Tags: , ,

I have a twin brother, but we no longer really speak… I try to pretend this doesn’t bother me, but I miss him. I don’t know when or exactly why but this Bette Midler song has always reminded me of him. Perhaps because I recognize that he truly is everything I am not and he has been my protector and my hero for most of my younger life.

My whole life I feel like I had a sidekick. A best friend that stood up for me no matter what. Over the last I would say 5 years this changed dramatically, now I feel like I’ve been used by my brother. And it hurts me beyond imagination how often he disappoints my Mom. It’s one thing to tell multiple friends you might show up at their parties but your mother, she deserves a little more respect. My mom, she tries so hard so please him. If he says he’ll be at an event she’ll buy  a number of things she knows he likes. Even though my parents don’t drink she’s gone so far as to buy beer that he would drink if she thinks he’s going to show up…. But he hardly ever does.

It hurts me how disposable his family is, but mostly it hurts to see how hard my Mom tries. And how often she is disappointed and  forced to make an excuse for him. I guess it helps to explain that my father no longer speaks to his sister. I don’t exactly recall the situation that occurred as I was only 13 years old, but the jist of it is… I was supposed to babysit for her daughter but I forgot about some sort of important teenage event, I called to tell her I could no longer watch my young cousin and the stakes rose. She spoke to my mother and a fight ensued. While I can recognize now there were other more complex issues at work I can’t help by feel a juvenile sense of guilt. It’s not my fault as I was barely out of childhood, but I still feel responsible. It is for this reason I feel so much pain that my brother is not a part of my life any longer. I still see him at family events. We smile and nod, exchange polite niceties but it’s hard to pretend I am content with how we interact. How did my twin brother become a mere acquaintance?

It is compounded by the fact that my father as no relationship with his sister. I feel this sickening feeling of anxiety and complete resolution that the situation exists between them (which may or may not be my fault) can NEVER happen between my brother and I.  But I am completely haunted by the idea that the relationship we have is not much better.

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