Shanna Geezy

Just another confused little American girl… Rambling my way through the thoughts and the days.

Anxious Annabelle May 23, 2012

Filed under: Anxiety,Health,Help,House,Past...,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 10:44 pm
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Not really sure why I chose that as the title… I really like the name Annabelle, it’s also possibly because I think if I were someone else I wouldn’t feel how I feel most of the time. I’m not trying to complain but I hate being stuck in my own head sometimes, well actually most of the time. I spend a considerable amount of time trying to talk myself out of thinking so much which is really just more thinking. The amount of pointless and paranoid thoughts I have number a quantity beyond what can be measured by humans. I don’t know when it started but I’ve always been so unbearably aware of the consuming chaos that resides in my brain. It makes it hard to make decisions. It makes it hard to have friends. It makes it hard for me to feel like I ever do anything “right”. It also makes me supremely aware that there is no “right”, or “wrong” just a million different variables I obsess over which lead me to the place I am.

FLOUNDERING.

I am overwhelmed by my inner dialogue, the hundreds of thousands of what ifs whirl around each other and because I lack confidence I do nothing. At least this place (home) I can control. I can let people in, I can make people get out. But if I go somewhere there’s outside things I can’t control. Especially since I can’t even control what’s going on in my head it feels like it’s too much. It seems to me that every time I go anywhere everyone knows I have no freaking clue what the hell I am doing out in the “real world” so I try to avoid it unless I have someone to handle the things that I can’t or don’t want to. I feel like a giant fake and a  fraud. Is the world is full of cyborgs who don’t have to deal with my obsessive thoughts and know exactly what to say to push me over the edge and straight back to the sacred comfort of my house?

YES! According to my brain.

I wish there was a way I could shut it off but there isn’t. I have tried unsuccessfully to experiment with ways to discover my shut off valve but I have only gotten myself in trouble and failed miserably.  If I were named Annabelle I could be tougher, maybe I’d have a cool accent and my eyesight wouldn’t be so horrible. Annabelle would never “shermit” (my husband’s name for my hiding from reality). Annabelle would have done all the things I did “wrong”, “right”.

I am conscious that these feelings are not unique to me. Lots and lots of people cope with anxiety and a large volume of thoughts. It really is better than it has been in years. With age comes wisdom… I guess today I’m just regressing and can’t get a handle on what’s bugging me.  So now I’m wishing I’m someone who never had to deal with it. We’ll see how it goes I guess.

 

One Day at a Time. March 3, 2012

Filed under: Health,Help — shannageezyro @ 8:35 pm

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I know that I’ve been struggling lately. I tend to hermit when I start floundering, this has been the case lately. My social anxiety gets to a point where I am afraid to pick up the phone and make a doctor appointment. I make excuses like “I really don’t feel good” to get out of normal adult responsibilities like going to the grocery store. Then when I do manage to get to my destination I feel super awkward with whoever I have to talk to. I said before that days all one kind keep chasing each other and well I keep letting them. I’ve forgotten that my happiness is my choice. It’s the choice between staying up until all hours of the night so I sleep most of the next morning away and find myself rushing to shower before my husband is supposed to come home at 5 o’clock. I procrastinate even putting on clothes with a million excuses but most often that “I don’t want to disturb the dog who is such a sweet little cuddle bug he curls up on some part of my body.” oh and there’s the ever positive “I don’t have anywhere to go anyway so why not save myself some laundry.”

But this my friends has to stop today. I must hold myself accountable and make some rules and guidelines for myself. I am the one standing between myself and my bliss. I am lazy and complacent and need to choose activities and behaviors that are healthy, active, and motivating. I cannot let myself get caught up in my head and lost in a sea of unknown. I must tackle one day at a time, one decision at a time, one workout at a time. It is the difference between a million days chasing each other and leading to more of this…. Cause this isn’t working anymore.

Tomorrow I will wake up, I will work out, I will choose to do things that make me uncomfy and slowly day by day find my way back to my happiness. And if sometimes bacon and beer get in my way I will do everything I can to not beat myself up about it.

 

Somethings change but somethings stay the same. January 21, 2012

Filed under: Help,Love,Past...,Trouble?,Work — shannageezyro @ 8:30 am

Sometimes late at night my thoughts run away from me. It feels like I’m trying to chase them through darkness. I can’t catch up and everything I do to stop them makes them swirl around me faster and faster. They mock me. They torment me.  They enrage me and shame me. If I could just sleep they would stop. Tears fill my eyes and a ball of dread fills my stomach. My cheeks feel warm and from experience I know there’s nothing I can do to stop the impending self-hatred.

Everything I have done has brought me to this point in my life. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing family, a wonderful husband an adorable and cuddly dog. A fantastic wardrobe… In this darkness nothing matters. I can’t talk myself out of how stupid or ugly I am. All that matters are my mistakes and my failures. I can’t let go of what I could have done differently and appreciate where I am.

I feel like the world’s biggest fraud. I feel like I’m cracking into a million pieces and every time I try to muster a smile and go about my day everyone can see I’m a second away from shattering into a million pieces.

This has happened before and from experience I expect it to happen again.

I quit my new job… After 5 years (and 2 companies)  I finally came to terms with the fact that banking just wasn’t for me. The thing I’m beating myself up about it that I knew it all along. It’s been a month without the constant stress and dread. A month I haven’t had anyone but myself tell me my best isn’t good enough. It’s been a huge relief not to hear it from outside my own brain, I just can’t help but wonder what it’s going to take to stop it completely. I have tried in the past to drown it out with various degrees of success and more failure than I can measure.

I look around me and know I am not that different from others, but nighttime arrives and I couldn’t feel more alienated. At midnight I couldn’t feel more lost and alone with my feelings and thoughts. It feels like somehow I always end up here…. Alone late at night with the ghosts of my past, wondering how I can banish them and enjoy my future.

It’s happened before and from experience I expect it to happen again.

 

Hormones November 11, 2011

Filed under: Health,Help,Love,Past...,Trouble?,Uncategorized,Work — shannageezyro @ 6:49 pm

I’m totally going to get my period…. I can tell because I can’t listen to a freaking song without tearing up,  and yesterday at work when the new auditor I was trying to introduce myself to via email was exceptionally rude and replied to MY BOSS  instead of acknowledging my existence I had a fleeting desire to walk out of the building. After almost 5 years with my previous company I made the difficult decision to move on. Too many days would go by where I felt unhappy and unappreciated. I started to feel resentful and angry. It also was apparent that my hard work wasn’t important and would never be rewarded with a fair raise or promotion. It’s difficult for me not to think I failed and realize that the economy, corporate structure, and the people chosen to be authority figures were most likely the reason I couldn’t succeed. I’m trying to be relieved that I got out and moved on. At least I won’t ever have to cash a check someone sh*t on or have a customer burp in my face. My boss seems knowledgeable and fair. I think she understands that her job is anything that needs to be done and doesn’t put things off until a day before the audit and then tries to find and fix everything that should have been done for the last 6 months. It doesn’t matter that she and I aren’t best friends, we’re coworkers. I can smile and ask her how her weekend was without worrying that because I wouldn’t go get drunk at happy hour with her I’m not going to get my vacation time approved. But I’m at a loss. While many things are the same because I’m still in the same field, many things are different. For the first time in a long time I’m not an expert and I can’t help the way I’m accustomed to because I have to learn a new system and variations of procedures. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. The hubo keeps trying to reassure me but I feel so confused… I want to be able to do it all already. It’s so hard for me to slow down and ask for help.  Plus by taking this job I made it impossible to continue to go to school. I guess I didn’t realize when I was doing it that I was giving up my dream because I was torn about finishing.  Now that it’s gone I’m sad. I know that I’m making this sacrifice for my family because we want to purchase a home in the near future and school was getting more and more expensive.  I love my family and the life that we’re building together but I still want to feel the same satisfaction at work. I don’t know where this new job is heading… It has only been like a week of actual work (I had 2 weeks of training) but I just feel so out-of-sorts. I need to lift my head, look at the opportunity in the eye and roll with the punches but now I’M GOING TO GET MY STUPID PERIOD AND WANT TO CRY OVER A COUNTRY MUSIC LYRIC!

 

I forgive you… February 2, 2011

Filed under: Help,Love,Past...,wish — shannageezyro @ 4:45 am

Everyone has a past… I’ve done things in mine that I am so profoundly ashamed of. I wish I could travel back in time with Marty McFly and backhand myself.  But I am who I am because I have done the things I have done, seen the things I’ve seen, and learned the lessons I’ve learned. I rationally know this, but in a way I live in a purgatory of my own creation with my shame. This song is one that speaks to me and details what I am struggling with. I have to forgive myself and let go. Continue on the journey of my life…  I have to forgive myself. I have to let go of all my mistakes. I have to forgive myself……

I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

It’s all right, just wait and see,
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been.
You’re still an innocent,
You’re still an innocent.

There’s some things you can’t speak of
But at night you’ll live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you would sing what you know now then

Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catchin’ days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did.
You’re still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent.
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent.
You’re still an innocent.

Lost your balance on a tightrope.
It’s never too late to get it back.

 

Romanbowubbleard House Tour October 25, 2010

Filed under: Help,House,Love — shannageezyro @ 9:38 pm

Since most of my house is clean and I am procrastinating yet another paper I decided to do a quick photo shoot. The pics turned out ok but they’re from my iphone so forgive me.

Also I have no idea why the order I keep putting them in keeps changing… I will mess with it later.

 

Learning to fly… But I ain’t got Wings October 13, 2010

Filed under: Health,Help,Love,wish — shannageezyro @ 4:41 am

I’ve been totally stuck on this song as it’s been redone by Lady Antebellum. I managed to find it on iTunes and I am currently listening to it on repeat. This happens when I get all turned around and twisted in my thoughts like I have been lately. I have a confession guys (all like 3 of you who read this) I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING! I have this overwhelming urge to get in my car and drive far far away. But I know undoubtedly as soon as I got to my unknown destination I would be paralyzed with loneliness. I have this awful ambivalence towards my life  lately. I think back and wonder where I went? Or where did the person I thought I was go? I just don’t know how I got so lost. I mean I’m all about the road less traveled, I just wonder how  I got so far away from where I thought I was headed. And I’m so scared, but of what I have no idea. This is all just a big ramble, the kind of ramble a song that touches my heart makes come out. I used to spend alot of nights like this… In a dark room with some good music letting whatever needed to come out come out. I missed it and at the same time was glad I didn’t have to do it anymore. I’m still stuck on the road trying to figure this crap out.

Part of me knows how far I’ve come, the other part wants to know when I’m gonna get there. Most of me knows that it’s never about reaching a destination, it’s about the journey. About making everyday an experience and finding happiness in it. This I know is sometimes harder than others. But it is possible even in the darkest times to find some light to cling to. It’s been worse is what I tell myself. But I have this panic that rises in me… A little voice that wonders if it’s always going to be a question or if I’ll let go and stop trying to find the answers. Does it matter what I’m doing, where I’m going, how I get there?  The older I get the more I think no. But when will I stop trying and tormenting myself? I keep looking and searching…