Shanna Geezy

Just another confused little American girl… Rambling my way through the thoughts and the days.

Songs & Smells May 25, 2012

Filed under: Friends,Love,music,Past...,Smells — shannageezyro @ 9:56 pm
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I was talking to my walking buddy the other day about how atrocious my memory has gotten. Call it age, whatever you want I just think more years= more to remember. There are things that I do vividly recall. Times and places with people who have come and gone in my life. Often times I’ll hear a song on the radio and it will transport me back to a moment, a little sliver of time that’s associated with the words and verses strung together in a melody. This is why I love music so much. Sometimes they’re good moments, others not so good. Some, like my first kiss and the Tom Petty song  playing at the time are forever entwined. That particular memory is bitter sweet. The recollection of the hope of my first kiss and the knowledge of what the boy did to my heart at a later moment in time (and another song) forever sealed in my mind. Some songs make me recall newer memories, some songs older. Many songs I can remember only from the back seat of a car. My father singing along with all the windows down on the way to an adventure. The happiness I felt even then in a car, singing as loud as I could over the wind and the radio I still feel. That’s why all my cars need sunroofs and loud stereos.

There are also smells that make me remember. The smell of the cold, wet wool sweater my mother wore home on Thursday nights when she worked. The smell of wood, saw dust, and varnish that my Dad brought in from his work. He used to drive in with the Doobie Brothers blaring, his hair in all forms of disarray. Model glue when my brother was younger then beer and Abercrombie cologne accompanied with the bass of Atmosphere and Andre Nickatina when he was older.  Burning oil of a VW bug and Tom Jones  from my very first boyfriend. Cigarettes and Counting Crows remind me of a very dear friend I lost when my world fell apart. The moistness of redwood groves and freshly mowed meadows of  UCSC are forever associated with my discovery of country music. Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros and the lotion they had in the hotel room during my honeymoon will always make me remember the first time someone called me by my married name… That smell and my husbands smile when I know he recognizes it still gives me butterflies.

I don’t know why my mind does this. I try to capture a song and a smell to help me remember the important stuff. It saddens me that I just can’t remember who and why and how anymore at times. I try and try to recall but it seems like if there isn’t a song or a smell the moments are forgotten.

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Anxious Annabelle May 23, 2012

Filed under: Anxiety,Health,Help,House,Past...,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 10:44 pm
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Not really sure why I chose that as the title… I really like the name Annabelle, it’s also possibly because I think if I were someone else I wouldn’t feel how I feel most of the time. I’m not trying to complain but I hate being stuck in my own head sometimes, well actually most of the time. I spend a considerable amount of time trying to talk myself out of thinking so much which is really just more thinking. The amount of pointless and paranoid thoughts I have number a quantity beyond what can be measured by humans. I don’t know when it started but I’ve always been so unbearably aware of the consuming chaos that resides in my brain. It makes it hard to make decisions. It makes it hard to have friends. It makes it hard for me to feel like I ever do anything “right”. It also makes me supremely aware that there is no “right”, or “wrong” just a million different variables I obsess over which lead me to the place I am.

FLOUNDERING.

I am overwhelmed by my inner dialogue, the hundreds of thousands of what ifs whirl around each other and because I lack confidence I do nothing. At least this place (home) I can control. I can let people in, I can make people get out. But if I go somewhere there’s outside things I can’t control. Especially since I can’t even control what’s going on in my head it feels like it’s too much. It seems to me that every time I go anywhere everyone knows I have no freaking clue what the hell I am doing out in the “real world” so I try to avoid it unless I have someone to handle the things that I can’t or don’t want to. I feel like a giant fake and a  fraud. Is the world is full of cyborgs who don’t have to deal with my obsessive thoughts and know exactly what to say to push me over the edge and straight back to the sacred comfort of my house?

YES! According to my brain.

I wish there was a way I could shut it off but there isn’t. I have tried unsuccessfully to experiment with ways to discover my shut off valve but I have only gotten myself in trouble and failed miserably.  If I were named Annabelle I could be tougher, maybe I’d have a cool accent and my eyesight wouldn’t be so horrible. Annabelle would never “shermit” (my husband’s name for my hiding from reality). Annabelle would have done all the things I did “wrong”, “right”.

I am conscious that these feelings are not unique to me. Lots and lots of people cope with anxiety and a large volume of thoughts. It really is better than it has been in years. With age comes wisdom… I guess today I’m just regressing and can’t get a handle on what’s bugging me.  So now I’m wishing I’m someone who never had to deal with it. We’ll see how it goes I guess.

 

Somethings change but somethings stay the same. January 21, 2012

Filed under: Help,Love,Past...,Trouble?,Work — shannageezyro @ 8:30 am

Sometimes late at night my thoughts run away from me. It feels like I’m trying to chase them through darkness. I can’t catch up and everything I do to stop them makes them swirl around me faster and faster. They mock me. They torment me.  They enrage me and shame me. If I could just sleep they would stop. Tears fill my eyes and a ball of dread fills my stomach. My cheeks feel warm and from experience I know there’s nothing I can do to stop the impending self-hatred.

Everything I have done has brought me to this point in my life. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing family, a wonderful husband an adorable and cuddly dog. A fantastic wardrobe… In this darkness nothing matters. I can’t talk myself out of how stupid or ugly I am. All that matters are my mistakes and my failures. I can’t let go of what I could have done differently and appreciate where I am.

I feel like the world’s biggest fraud. I feel like I’m cracking into a million pieces and every time I try to muster a smile and go about my day everyone can see I’m a second away from shattering into a million pieces.

This has happened before and from experience I expect it to happen again.

I quit my new job… After 5 years (and 2 companies)  I finally came to terms with the fact that banking just wasn’t for me. The thing I’m beating myself up about it that I knew it all along. It’s been a month without the constant stress and dread. A month I haven’t had anyone but myself tell me my best isn’t good enough. It’s been a huge relief not to hear it from outside my own brain, I just can’t help but wonder what it’s going to take to stop it completely. I have tried in the past to drown it out with various degrees of success and more failure than I can measure.

I look around me and know I am not that different from others, but nighttime arrives and I couldn’t feel more alienated. At midnight I couldn’t feel more lost and alone with my feelings and thoughts. It feels like somehow I always end up here…. Alone late at night with the ghosts of my past, wondering how I can banish them and enjoy my future.

It’s happened before and from experience I expect it to happen again.

 

Hormones November 11, 2011

Filed under: Health,Help,Love,Past...,Trouble?,Uncategorized,Work — shannageezyro @ 6:49 pm

I’m totally going to get my period…. I can tell because I can’t listen to a freaking song without tearing up,  and yesterday at work when the new auditor I was trying to introduce myself to via email was exceptionally rude and replied to MY BOSS  instead of acknowledging my existence I had a fleeting desire to walk out of the building. After almost 5 years with my previous company I made the difficult decision to move on. Too many days would go by where I felt unhappy and unappreciated. I started to feel resentful and angry. It also was apparent that my hard work wasn’t important and would never be rewarded with a fair raise or promotion. It’s difficult for me not to think I failed and realize that the economy, corporate structure, and the people chosen to be authority figures were most likely the reason I couldn’t succeed. I’m trying to be relieved that I got out and moved on. At least I won’t ever have to cash a check someone sh*t on or have a customer burp in my face. My boss seems knowledgeable and fair. I think she understands that her job is anything that needs to be done and doesn’t put things off until a day before the audit and then tries to find and fix everything that should have been done for the last 6 months. It doesn’t matter that she and I aren’t best friends, we’re coworkers. I can smile and ask her how her weekend was without worrying that because I wouldn’t go get drunk at happy hour with her I’m not going to get my vacation time approved. But I’m at a loss. While many things are the same because I’m still in the same field, many things are different. For the first time in a long time I’m not an expert and I can’t help the way I’m accustomed to because I have to learn a new system and variations of procedures. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. The hubo keeps trying to reassure me but I feel so confused… I want to be able to do it all already. It’s so hard for me to slow down and ask for help.  Plus by taking this job I made it impossible to continue to go to school. I guess I didn’t realize when I was doing it that I was giving up my dream because I was torn about finishing.  Now that it’s gone I’m sad. I know that I’m making this sacrifice for my family because we want to purchase a home in the near future and school was getting more and more expensive.  I love my family and the life that we’re building together but I still want to feel the same satisfaction at work. I don’t know where this new job is heading… It has only been like a week of actual work (I had 2 weeks of training) but I just feel so out-of-sorts. I need to lift my head, look at the opportunity in the eye and roll with the punches but now I’M GOING TO GET MY STUPID PERIOD AND WANT TO CRY OVER A COUNTRY MUSIC LYRIC!

 

I forgive you… February 2, 2011

Filed under: Help,Love,Past...,wish — shannageezyro @ 4:45 am

Everyone has a past… I’ve done things in mine that I am so profoundly ashamed of. I wish I could travel back in time with Marty McFly and backhand myself.  But I am who I am because I have done the things I have done, seen the things I’ve seen, and learned the lessons I’ve learned. I rationally know this, but in a way I live in a purgatory of my own creation with my shame. This song is one that speaks to me and details what I am struggling with. I have to forgive myself and let go. Continue on the journey of my life…  I have to forgive myself. I have to let go of all my mistakes. I have to forgive myself……

I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

It’s all right, just wait and see,
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been.
You’re still an innocent,
You’re still an innocent.

There’s some things you can’t speak of
But at night you’ll live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you would sing what you know now then

Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catchin’ days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did.
You’re still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent.
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent.
You’re still an innocent.

Lost your balance on a tightrope.
It’s never too late to get it back.

 

You were the wind beneath my wings… January 27, 2011

Filed under: Family,Love,Past...,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 6:59 am
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I have a twin brother, but we no longer really speak… I try to pretend this doesn’t bother me, but I miss him. I don’t know when or exactly why but this Bette Midler song has always reminded me of him. Perhaps because I recognize that he truly is everything I am not and he has been my protector and my hero for most of my younger life.

My whole life I feel like I had a sidekick. A best friend that stood up for me no matter what. Over the last I would say 5 years this changed dramatically, now I feel like I’ve been used by my brother. And it hurts me beyond imagination how often he disappoints my Mom. It’s one thing to tell multiple friends you might show up at their parties but your mother, she deserves a little more respect. My mom, she tries so hard so please him. If he says he’ll be at an event she’ll buy  a number of things she knows he likes. Even though my parents don’t drink she’s gone so far as to buy beer that he would drink if she thinks he’s going to show up…. But he hardly ever does.

It hurts me how disposable his family is, but mostly it hurts to see how hard my Mom tries. And how often she is disappointed and  forced to make an excuse for him. I guess it helps to explain that my father no longer speaks to his sister. I don’t exactly recall the situation that occurred as I was only 13 years old, but the jist of it is… I was supposed to babysit for her daughter but I forgot about some sort of important teenage event, I called to tell her I could no longer watch my young cousin and the stakes rose. She spoke to my mother and a fight ensued. While I can recognize now there were other more complex issues at work I can’t help by feel a juvenile sense of guilt. It’s not my fault as I was barely out of childhood, but I still feel responsible. It is for this reason I feel so much pain that my brother is not a part of my life any longer. I still see him at family events. We smile and nod, exchange polite niceties but it’s hard to pretend I am content with how we interact. How did my twin brother become a mere acquaintance?

It is compounded by the fact that my father as no relationship with his sister. I feel this sickening feeling of anxiety and complete resolution that the situation exists between them (which may or may not be my fault) can NEVER happen between my brother and I.  But I am completely haunted by the idea that the relationship we have is not much better.

 

The Story of us… December 7, 2010

Filed under: Love,Past...,Uncategorized — shannageezyro @ 12:08 am

I’ve mentioned the boyf before. And how very much I love him. He is my everything and I truly am the luckiest girl in Nor Cal for having him in my life. He is one of the most generous people I know. Loyal to a fault, he would do anything for one of his friends and of course anything for me… He is my bestest friend and genuinely a good good person. Before I met him I had quite a few failed relationships because I thought I could change an ass hole into a good guy or I tried so hard to make something out of nothing it would implode in my face and leave me looking like a psycho cause really ladies, a few dates does not make a relationship.  And as much as we hate to admit it’s true…. Sometimes if you give the milk away for free they really had no intention of ever buying the cow and will keep drinking until you have the guts to stand up for yourself and take what you deserve. I had my heart broken a couple times and learned that it’s not something you give easily and freely to everyone you meet, relationships are about giving what you get. This reciprocation can mean sometimes you’re giving everything you’ve got and other times you’re simply filling up space and having fun. My method was to keep a bunch of eggs (boys) in a bunch of different baskets and not get too attached to them. If one of them broke or disappeared I had another one. (This makes me sound kinda slutty but it wasn’t like that.)

Before I met the boyf I had made a general shift in my approach to dating. Whatever I got I was going to give back and just have fun… If the guy was an ass hole well, I’d be a bitch. If he was nice but lazy I’d be nice but lazy. And if someone gave it their all I would too, but not too much too soon. I didn’t want to be the only one falling in love. However long it lasted I was going to make the most of it and if for some reason it wasn’t fun anymore I’d find another dude… There’s plenty of fish in the sea and life is too short to deal with someone who isn’t going to give you what you want or need.

I’d met guys at bars, guys at work, guys at school, guys through friends. In my opinion you could meet someone anywhere. Most people don’t know this but I met the boyf online. I know in my personal online dating experience the majority of the men I dated were a little on the odd side. I didn’t expect to ever meet anyone like the boyf. Especially since the site I met him on I hardly ever interacted with except to take online quizzes (kinda like the ones in Cosmo). When we first started corresponding he was in Greece with his best friend and actually answered and email telling me he was out of the country. I thought this was a little lame I mean what kind of guy bothers to respond to an email from a girl he’s never met.  But that’s just the kind of guy the boyf is… Courteous and loving, polite and wonderful!

When he got back from Greece we tried to set up a date… He tried to squeeze me in. It was something along the lines of “I’m meeting some friends for drinks in the Lower Haight but we could grab dinner before.” My response was polite but assertive. I told him to give me a call or a text when he had some more time. I didn’t want to be an inconvenience but I wasn’t going to start the trend of being a second priority. I deserved an evening without having to fit into his schedule. It’s totally something we all do to people but I would rather not go on a date than be fit into a little time slot.If you consent to this kind of thing right off the bat you’ll always be put in this position and trust me it gets frustrating. Ask for what you want and you’ll either get it or not. If not it just means he’s not the right guy. The right person will want to give you everything you need.

Well the boyf responded accordingly, he immediately set up a dedicated night for us to have dinner. He even made reservations and insisted on picking me up. (He almost killed me on the way to the restaurant) but we made it and I can honestly say it was the best first date I’ve ever been on. It was like I had known him forever. I barely ate my dinner cause we were talking so much. He was funny, sweet, cute, and had the sexiest blue eyes I’d ever seen. I still get lost in those puppies. I knew I was in trouble. I had a bunch of eggs in other baskets but suddenly the only egg I cared about was the boyf. It turns out I had nothing to worry about.

Our relationship progressed without any drama or questions that usually plague the beginning stages. I didn’t stress if he was going to call every five minutes, cause he did. It was so easy and one night at a Giants game he introduced me as his girlfriend. And I was . A few months later he asked me to move in with him. And I did. I can talk to him about anything and everything and he is always there to support me. They say when you meet the right one you just know and there aren’t any questions, only answers. Well in my experience this is true… I love the boyf for helping me find them all.