He is a Russian tortoise the boyf bought me cause we can’t have a dog and I am nowhere near ready to have kids. Every time we babysit or hang out with his niece and nephews it solidifies my conclusion that I can’t handle kids. (I do love being a quasi-Aunt though.) I am way too selfish and high maintenance to be fully responsible for a little human lifeform. Plus I don’t have anything sparkly on my finger, I promised my Grandma that I’d do things in the right order and that any child I conceive would be done so whilst married. Not that I have any problem with bucking tradition and conceiving the kid first… There’s just very little my Grandma asks for so I think I can come through on that one.
Anyways Timmy is not very evolutionary advanced. He likes to as we call it mount his food. This is basically just him climbing into his food bowl and lowering his shell slightly several times before he begins to eat. The boyf says it’s because all he sees is a big green mound of stuff ( he eats the southern greens mix from Trader Joe’s it’s comprised of Mustard Greens, Turnip Greens, Collard Greens, Spinach, & we add Dandelion cause all the books say it’s a favorite) and he thinks it’s a female tortoise. Sooo not only do I have a stupid tortoise BUT if the boyf is correct and he’s attempting to hump his food he’s also a perv.
Whenever he does something crazy we tell each other “Look at your son!” Basically blaming each other for his shenanigans as if our behavior has any influence on his. We also call him fatty cause after he’s done trying to bone his food he eats everything in his bowl and it takes him a looong time to eat. Hours go by and I’ll tell the boyf “Fatty is still at it… He really is your son.” It’s not like Timmy shares any genetic material with the boyf (or me) so the fact that they both inhale anything resembling a food substance is not an inherited trait. When Timmy does what we call the Timmy Bump which is a variation of the food mounting, he repeatedly drops himself onto the bottom of his enclosure. The Bump is his shell hitting the bottom. The boyf tells me “Your son is annoying just like you.” I myself believe I am exponentially more annoying than Timmy, I mean come on all he can do is bump. I have million things I can do to pester the boyf!
Anyways I just though I’d introduce the littlest, scaliest member of the Ramonbowubbleard family. I’m off to annoy, vex, irk, & otherwise bother the boyf.