Shanna Geezy

Just another confused little American girl… Rambling my way through the thoughts and the days.

Anxious Annabelle May 23, 2012

Filed under: Anxiety,Health,Help,House,Past...,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 10:44 pm
Tags: , ,

Not really sure why I chose that as the title… I really like the name Annabelle, it’s also possibly because I think if I were someone else I wouldn’t feel how I feel most of the time. I’m not trying to complain but I hate being stuck in my own head sometimes, well actually most of the time. I spend a considerable amount of time trying to talk myself out of thinking so much which is really just more thinking. The amount of pointless and paranoid thoughts I have number a quantity beyond what can be measured by humans. I don’t know when it started but I’ve always been so unbearably aware of the consuming chaos that resides in my brain. It makes it hard to make decisions. It makes it hard to have friends. It makes it hard for me to feel like I ever do anything “right”. It also makes me supremely aware that there is no “right”, or “wrong” just a million different variables I obsess over which lead me to the place I am.

FLOUNDERING.

I am overwhelmed by my inner dialogue, the hundreds of thousands of what ifs whirl around each other and because I lack confidence I do nothing. At least this place (home) I can control. I can let people in, I can make people get out. But if I go somewhere there’s outside things I can’t control. Especially since I can’t even control what’s going on in my head it feels like it’s too much. It seems to me that every time I go anywhere everyone knows I have no freaking clue what the hell I am doing out in the “real world” so I try to avoid it unless I have someone to handle the things that I can’t or don’t want to. I feel like a giant fake and a  fraud. Is the world is full of cyborgs who don’t have to deal with my obsessive thoughts and know exactly what to say to push me over the edge and straight back to the sacred comfort of my house?

YES! According to my brain.

I wish there was a way I could shut it off but there isn’t. I have tried unsuccessfully to experiment with ways to discover my shut off valve but I have only gotten myself in trouble and failed miserably.  If I were named Annabelle I could be tougher, maybe I’d have a cool accent and my eyesight wouldn’t be so horrible. Annabelle would never “shermit” (my husband’s name for my hiding from reality). Annabelle would have done all the things I did “wrong”, “right”.

I am conscious that these feelings are not unique to me. Lots and lots of people cope with anxiety and a large volume of thoughts. It really is better than it has been in years. With age comes wisdom… I guess today I’m just regressing and can’t get a handle on what’s bugging me.  So now I’m wishing I’m someone who never had to deal with it. We’ll see how it goes I guess.

 

Somethings change but somethings stay the same. January 21, 2012

Filed under: Help,Love,Past...,Trouble?,Work — shannageezyro @ 8:30 am

Sometimes late at night my thoughts run away from me. It feels like I’m trying to chase them through darkness. I can’t catch up and everything I do to stop them makes them swirl around me faster and faster. They mock me. They torment me.  They enrage me and shame me. If I could just sleep they would stop. Tears fill my eyes and a ball of dread fills my stomach. My cheeks feel warm and from experience I know there’s nothing I can do to stop the impending self-hatred.

Everything I have done has brought me to this point in my life. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing family, a wonderful husband an adorable and cuddly dog. A fantastic wardrobe… In this darkness nothing matters. I can’t talk myself out of how stupid or ugly I am. All that matters are my mistakes and my failures. I can’t let go of what I could have done differently and appreciate where I am.

I feel like the world’s biggest fraud. I feel like I’m cracking into a million pieces and every time I try to muster a smile and go about my day everyone can see I’m a second away from shattering into a million pieces.

This has happened before and from experience I expect it to happen again.

I quit my new job… After 5 years (and 2 companies)  I finally came to terms with the fact that banking just wasn’t for me. The thing I’m beating myself up about it that I knew it all along. It’s been a month without the constant stress and dread. A month I haven’t had anyone but myself tell me my best isn’t good enough. It’s been a huge relief not to hear it from outside my own brain, I just can’t help but wonder what it’s going to take to stop it completely. I have tried in the past to drown it out with various degrees of success and more failure than I can measure.

I look around me and know I am not that different from others, but nighttime arrives and I couldn’t feel more alienated. At midnight I couldn’t feel more lost and alone with my feelings and thoughts. It feels like somehow I always end up here…. Alone late at night with the ghosts of my past, wondering how I can banish them and enjoy my future.

It’s happened before and from experience I expect it to happen again.

 

Hormones November 11, 2011

Filed under: Health,Help,Love,Past...,Trouble?,Uncategorized,Work — shannageezyro @ 6:49 pm

I’m totally going to get my period…. I can tell because I can’t listen to a freaking song without tearing up,  and yesterday at work when the new auditor I was trying to introduce myself to via email was exceptionally rude and replied to MY BOSS  instead of acknowledging my existence I had a fleeting desire to walk out of the building. After almost 5 years with my previous company I made the difficult decision to move on. Too many days would go by where I felt unhappy and unappreciated. I started to feel resentful and angry. It also was apparent that my hard work wasn’t important and would never be rewarded with a fair raise or promotion. It’s difficult for me not to think I failed and realize that the economy, corporate structure, and the people chosen to be authority figures were most likely the reason I couldn’t succeed. I’m trying to be relieved that I got out and moved on. At least I won’t ever have to cash a check someone sh*t on or have a customer burp in my face. My boss seems knowledgeable and fair. I think she understands that her job is anything that needs to be done and doesn’t put things off until a day before the audit and then tries to find and fix everything that should have been done for the last 6 months. It doesn’t matter that she and I aren’t best friends, we’re coworkers. I can smile and ask her how her weekend was without worrying that because I wouldn’t go get drunk at happy hour with her I’m not going to get my vacation time approved. But I’m at a loss. While many things are the same because I’m still in the same field, many things are different. For the first time in a long time I’m not an expert and I can’t help the way I’m accustomed to because I have to learn a new system and variations of procedures. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. The hubo keeps trying to reassure me but I feel so confused… I want to be able to do it all already. It’s so hard for me to slow down and ask for help.  Plus by taking this job I made it impossible to continue to go to school. I guess I didn’t realize when I was doing it that I was giving up my dream because I was torn about finishing.  Now that it’s gone I’m sad. I know that I’m making this sacrifice for my family because we want to purchase a home in the near future and school was getting more and more expensive.  I love my family and the life that we’re building together but I still want to feel the same satisfaction at work. I don’t know where this new job is heading… It has only been like a week of actual work (I had 2 weeks of training) but I just feel so out-of-sorts. I need to lift my head, look at the opportunity in the eye and roll with the punches but now I’M GOING TO GET MY STUPID PERIOD AND WANT TO CRY OVER A COUNTRY MUSIC LYRIC!

 

You were the wind beneath my wings… January 27, 2011

Filed under: Family,Love,Past...,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 6:59 am
Tags: , ,

I have a twin brother, but we no longer really speak… I try to pretend this doesn’t bother me, but I miss him. I don’t know when or exactly why but this Bette Midler song has always reminded me of him. Perhaps because I recognize that he truly is everything I am not and he has been my protector and my hero for most of my younger life.

My whole life I feel like I had a sidekick. A best friend that stood up for me no matter what. Over the last I would say 5 years this changed dramatically, now I feel like I’ve been used by my brother. And it hurts me beyond imagination how often he disappoints my Mom. It’s one thing to tell multiple friends you might show up at their parties but your mother, she deserves a little more respect. My mom, she tries so hard so please him. If he says he’ll be at an event she’ll buy  a number of things she knows he likes. Even though my parents don’t drink she’s gone so far as to buy beer that he would drink if she thinks he’s going to show up…. But he hardly ever does.

It hurts me how disposable his family is, but mostly it hurts to see how hard my Mom tries. And how often she is disappointed and  forced to make an excuse for him. I guess it helps to explain that my father no longer speaks to his sister. I don’t exactly recall the situation that occurred as I was only 13 years old, but the jist of it is… I was supposed to babysit for her daughter but I forgot about some sort of important teenage event, I called to tell her I could no longer watch my young cousin and the stakes rose. She spoke to my mother and a fight ensued. While I can recognize now there were other more complex issues at work I can’t help by feel a juvenile sense of guilt. It’s not my fault as I was barely out of childhood, but I still feel responsible. It is for this reason I feel so much pain that my brother is not a part of my life any longer. I still see him at family events. We smile and nod, exchange polite niceties but it’s hard to pretend I am content with how we interact. How did my twin brother become a mere acquaintance?

It is compounded by the fact that my father as no relationship with his sister. I feel this sickening feeling of anxiety and complete resolution that the situation exists between them (which may or may not be my fault) can NEVER happen between my brother and I.  But I am completely haunted by the idea that the relationship we have is not much better.

 

Just an Update October 18, 2010

Filed under: House,Love,Trouble? — shannageezyro @ 10:07 pm

Timmy our faithfully loud tortoise has been donated to Josh’s nephew. I do miss him and wish him well in his new home. I plan to double my lobbying efforts for one of these. It’s half french bulldog half Boston terrier. I can’t be pet-less.

 

Sometimes August 31, 2010

Filed under: Help,Love,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 4:18 am

I get all lost and caught up in stuff in my head. I forget that everyone is the same and yet different. But mostly were the same…. I envy other people’s lives and homes. When I should just stop and remember how beautiful mine is and how from the outside looking in they might envy me like I envy them.

 

I am a Preach-a-saurus Rex June 7, 2010

Filed under: Friends,Love,Trouble? — shannageezyro @ 7:24 am

So I’m in a funk… I haven’t been exercising or eating right or any of the “things” my mother tells me I should do to keep me “balanced”. I mean let’s face it it’s soo much easier to come home from work and turn on the RHONY or NJ   any of the 5,000 other trashy reality TV shows I watch and eat whatever I want then it is to cook something sensible and go to the gym for a hour and a half of cardio. Me and cardio, we have a love/hate relationship see while I’m doing it I hate it but after I’m done I love it. My brain is one that needs the endorphins exercise creates to keep if from attacking itself with OCD and tormenting those around me with crabby and selfish outbursts. I know the reason I’m feeling the way I am lately is because I’m not taking care of  good ol’ me.

So this evening the boyf  confessed to be in a funk of his own and I go on and freaking on about what he should be doing and giving him advice atop my high horse. But I my friends and am an ENORMOUS hypocrite!  Why is it so easy to tell people to do the right thing, point it out and rudely inform them of their mistakes while blatantly ignoring your own? I hate the whole “do as I say not as I do” crap…. But I’m a serious offender right now. I guess all I can do is head to the gym tomorrow and defrost some chicken breasts for dinner. I hope he doesn’t see me as a preaching tyrant who won’t help herself but berates him.