Shanna Geezy

Just another confused little American girl… Rambling my way through the thoughts and the days.

Anxious Annabelle May 23, 2012

Filed under: Anxiety,Health,Help,House,Past...,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 10:44 pm
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Not really sure why I chose that as the title… I really like the name Annabelle, it’s also possibly because I think if I were someone else I wouldn’t feel how I feel most of the time. I’m not trying to complain but I hate being stuck in my own head sometimes, well actually most of the time. I spend a considerable amount of time trying to talk myself out of thinking so much which is really just more thinking. The amount of pointless and paranoid thoughts I have number a quantity beyond what can be measured by humans. I don’t know when it started but I’ve always been so unbearably aware of the consuming chaos that resides in my brain. It makes it hard to make decisions. It makes it hard to have friends. It makes it hard for me to feel like I ever do anything “right”. It also makes me supremely aware that there is no “right”, or “wrong” just a million different variables I obsess over which lead me to the place I am.

FLOUNDERING.

I am overwhelmed by my inner dialogue, the hundreds of thousands of what ifs whirl around each other and because I lack confidence I do nothing. At least this place (home) I can control. I can let people in, I can make people get out. But if I go somewhere there’s outside things I can’t control. Especially since I can’t even control what’s going on in my head it feels like it’s too much. It seems to me that every time I go anywhere everyone knows I have no freaking clue what the hell I am doing out in the “real world” so I try to avoid it unless I have someone to handle the things that I can’t or don’t want to. I feel like a giant fake and a  fraud. Is the world is full of cyborgs who don’t have to deal with my obsessive thoughts and know exactly what to say to push me over the edge and straight back to the sacred comfort of my house?

YES! According to my brain.

I wish there was a way I could shut it off but there isn’t. I have tried unsuccessfully to experiment with ways to discover my shut off valve but I have only gotten myself in trouble and failed miserably.  If I were named Annabelle I could be tougher, maybe I’d have a cool accent and my eyesight wouldn’t be so horrible. Annabelle would never “shermit” (my husband’s name for my hiding from reality). Annabelle would have done all the things I did “wrong”, “right”.

I am conscious that these feelings are not unique to me. Lots and lots of people cope with anxiety and a large volume of thoughts. It really is better than it has been in years. With age comes wisdom… I guess today I’m just regressing and can’t get a handle on what’s bugging me.  So now I’m wishing I’m someone who never had to deal with it. We’ll see how it goes I guess.

 

And they lived… In reality ever after. October 21, 2011

Filed under: Friends,Health,Love,Uncategorized,wish — shannageezyro @ 6:02 pm
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Well it’s a done deal! I apologize that I didn’t blog about our entire wedding process. Things distracted me…. But it was an amazing day and we absolutely loooved how everything turned out. I am so lucky to have and to have joined such a loving, wonderful and talented family. Special thanks to my new SIL (sister-in law) I was so worried about her, being pregnant and sick during the wedding but she made it gorgeous and included like everything we had ever talked about. A bonus is that the photobooth the Hubo built has already been “rented” out twice! Maybe we’ll launch a DIY photobooth business and be able to afford our dream fixer-upper sooner than we thought! So excited to share these gorgeous pics from our new friend Kurt Manley (www.kurtmanley.com). There’s lotsa new stuff going on and I’m hoping to have more time to blog in the future but I’m off to go enjoy newlywed bliss!

 

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda… July 13, 2011

Filed under: Friends,Love,wish — shannageezyro @ 12:06 am

I’m beating myself up for not documenting all the projects we’ve done and items we’ve procured from flea markets etc. for the wedding and blogging about them.  But like lots of other things wedding related I’m embracing all the good stuff. It’s easy to get stressed and obsessed with the details and forget the important things… Which is ROMANBOWUBBLEARD love. I’m learning to let go and enjoy the process! Plus now we’ve entered what I’m going to call the party phase. Engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette and bachelor parties plus a rehearsal dinner! We get to see everyone that we love at so many events and they’re coming all to celebrate us! I think I speak for Josh as well when I say it’s hard to express how grateful we are and how much it means to share this time and make these memories with everyone. We are so lucky!

 

Mrs. Romanbowubbleard April 26, 2011

Filed under: House,Love,Lust,Uncategorized,wish — shannageezyro @ 12:07 am

On April second… In the morning while I was curling the frizz the boyf asked me.“Do you know what today is?” He does this sometimes when it’s a day of note… Like a random anniversary or something… It turns out it was exactly 2 years and seven months of dating, how could I forget my Wub?! Yes darling of course that’s what I’m thinking on a Saturday at 7 am, exactly 2 years and seven months ago my little heart met the love of my life. When I answered that I had no clue. He informed me that not only was it 2.7 years of sheer love and happiness being together it was also the 2 year anniversary of us living together in sin. How nice of him to remind me. Also it was the day his grandfather proposed to his grandmother. It already seemed like it was a jam packed day and I had no idea that that evening at  around 7 pm he was planning to ask me to be his WIFE! As we walked up Missouri Street to get to 18th the boyf got down on one knee and became my forever. I am so happy I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I can’t wait to count his wrinkles like I count Havana’s.

On September 4th, exactly 3 years and 2 days from the day we first met I’ll be Mrs. Romanbowubbleard! Here’s a few photos from our engagement session that I loved! We’re a pretty cute couple if I do say so myself. Our (way in the future) babies are gonna be so cute!

 

I forgive you… February 2, 2011

Filed under: Help,Love,Past...,wish — shannageezyro @ 4:45 am

Everyone has a past… I’ve done things in mine that I am so profoundly ashamed of. I wish I could travel back in time with Marty McFly and backhand myself.  But I am who I am because I have done the things I have done, seen the things I’ve seen, and learned the lessons I’ve learned. I rationally know this, but in a way I live in a purgatory of my own creation with my shame. This song is one that speaks to me and details what I am struggling with. I have to forgive myself and let go. Continue on the journey of my life…  I have to forgive myself. I have to let go of all my mistakes. I have to forgive myself……

I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

It’s all right, just wait and see,
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been.
You’re still an innocent,
You’re still an innocent.

There’s some things you can’t speak of
But at night you’ll live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you would sing what you know now then

Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catchin’ days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did.
You’re still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent.
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent.
You’re still an innocent.

Lost your balance on a tightrope.
It’s never too late to get it back.

 

You were the wind beneath my wings… January 27, 2011

Filed under: Family,Love,Past...,Trouble?,wish — shannageezyro @ 6:59 am
Tags: , ,

I have a twin brother, but we no longer really speak… I try to pretend this doesn’t bother me, but I miss him. I don’t know when or exactly why but this Bette Midler song has always reminded me of him. Perhaps because I recognize that he truly is everything I am not and he has been my protector and my hero for most of my younger life.

My whole life I feel like I had a sidekick. A best friend that stood up for me no matter what. Over the last I would say 5 years this changed dramatically, now I feel like I’ve been used by my brother. And it hurts me beyond imagination how often he disappoints my Mom. It’s one thing to tell multiple friends you might show up at their parties but your mother, she deserves a little more respect. My mom, she tries so hard so please him. If he says he’ll be at an event she’ll buy  a number of things she knows he likes. Even though my parents don’t drink she’s gone so far as to buy beer that he would drink if she thinks he’s going to show up…. But he hardly ever does.

It hurts me how disposable his family is, but mostly it hurts to see how hard my Mom tries. And how often she is disappointed and  forced to make an excuse for him. I guess it helps to explain that my father no longer speaks to his sister. I don’t exactly recall the situation that occurred as I was only 13 years old, but the jist of it is… I was supposed to babysit for her daughter but I forgot about some sort of important teenage event, I called to tell her I could no longer watch my young cousin and the stakes rose. She spoke to my mother and a fight ensued. While I can recognize now there were other more complex issues at work I can’t help by feel a juvenile sense of guilt. It’s not my fault as I was barely out of childhood, but I still feel responsible. It is for this reason I feel so much pain that my brother is not a part of my life any longer. I still see him at family events. We smile and nod, exchange polite niceties but it’s hard to pretend I am content with how we interact. How did my twin brother become a mere acquaintance?

It is compounded by the fact that my father as no relationship with his sister. I feel this sickening feeling of anxiety and complete resolution that the situation exists between them (which may or may not be my fault) can NEVER happen between my brother and I.  But I am completely haunted by the idea that the relationship we have is not much better.

 

Let ‘Em Whirl.. December 11, 2010

Filed under: Love,Uncategorized,wish — shannageezyro @ 7:00 am

Lately I’ve been drinking Jamba Juice coffee cause Starbucks raised their prices. On the cup it says “Making the whirl’d a little more cozy… One cup at a time.” Or something along those lines. It makes me think of this song and how we’re all still growing up. Despite all the responsibilities we’ve all taken on, I’m still waiting to see who we’re all going to become. I can’t wait to see who the boyf becomes, and what we’ll become together. I love him so much, he makes everything more wonderful one day at a time.

Whirlwind running through my head
Wasted words that people said
The wind is howling at my door
I don’t listen anymore

The darkened sky blocks out the sun
Still reeling from the damage done
If I go out and chase that wind
I might not make it back again

Let ’em whirl, who am I to say
You gotta do things different
I know a better way
Let ’em whirl, there’s a child in everyone
Who’s got to ride the storm out
To see who’ll they’ll become
Let ’em whirl

The simple things are hard to see
I got you and you’ve got me
No cause left for us to fight
Being wrong’s a God-given right

Let ’em whirl, who am I to say
You gotta do things different
I know a better way
Let ’em whirl, there’s a child in everyone
Who’s got to ride the storm out
To see who’ll they’ll become
Let ’em whirl

We all learn the hard way
We can’t pretend to know
Where life is gonna lead us
Or which way the wind will blow
Let ’em whirl

Who am I to say
You gotta do things different
I know a better way
Let ’em whirl, there’s a child in everyone
Who’s got to ride the storm out
To see who’ll they’ll become

Let ’em whirl
Who am I to say
You gotta do things different
I know a better way
Let ’em whirl, there’s a child in everyone
Who’s got to ride the storm out
To see who’ll they’ll become
Let ’em whirl