Shanna Geezy

Just another confused little American girl… Rambling my way through the thoughts and the days.

Somethings change but somethings stay the same. January 21, 2012

Filed under: Help,Love,Past...,Trouble?,Work — shannageezyro @ 8:30 am

Sometimes late at night my thoughts run away from me. It feels like I’m trying to chase them through darkness. I can’t catch up and everything I do to stop them makes them swirl around me faster and faster. They mock me. They torment me.  They enrage me and shame me. If I could just sleep they would stop. Tears fill my eyes and a ball of dread fills my stomach. My cheeks feel warm and from experience I know there’s nothing I can do to stop the impending self-hatred.

Everything I have done has brought me to this point in my life. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing family, a wonderful husband an adorable and cuddly dog. A fantastic wardrobe… In this darkness nothing matters. I can’t talk myself out of how stupid or ugly I am. All that matters are my mistakes and my failures. I can’t let go of what I could have done differently and appreciate where I am.

I feel like the world’s biggest fraud. I feel like I’m cracking into a million pieces and every time I try to muster a smile and go about my day everyone can see I’m a second away from shattering into a million pieces.

This has happened before and from experience I expect it to happen again.

I quit my new job… After 5 years (and 2 companies)  I finally came to terms with the fact that banking just wasn’t for me. The thing I’m beating myself up about it that I knew it all along. It’s been a month without the constant stress and dread. A month I haven’t had anyone but myself tell me my best isn’t good enough. It’s been a huge relief not to hear it from outside my own brain, I just can’t help but wonder what it’s going to take to stop it completely. I have tried in the past to drown it out with various degrees of success and more failure than I can measure.

I look around me and know I am not that different from others, but nighttime arrives and I couldn’t feel more alienated. At midnight I couldn’t feel more lost and alone with my feelings and thoughts. It feels like somehow I always end up here…. Alone late at night with the ghosts of my past, wondering how I can banish them and enjoy my future.

It’s happened before and from experience I expect it to happen again.

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Hormones November 11, 2011

Filed under: Health,Help,Love,Past...,Trouble?,Uncategorized,Work — shannageezyro @ 6:49 pm

I’m totally going to get my period…. I can tell because I can’t listen to a freaking song without tearing up,  and yesterday at work when the new auditor I was trying to introduce myself to via email was exceptionally rude and replied to MY BOSS  instead of acknowledging my existence I had a fleeting desire to walk out of the building. After almost 5 years with my previous company I made the difficult decision to move on. Too many days would go by where I felt unhappy and unappreciated. I started to feel resentful and angry. It also was apparent that my hard work wasn’t important and would never be rewarded with a fair raise or promotion. It’s difficult for me not to think I failed and realize that the economy, corporate structure, and the people chosen to be authority figures were most likely the reason I couldn’t succeed. I’m trying to be relieved that I got out and moved on. At least I won’t ever have to cash a check someone sh*t on or have a customer burp in my face. My boss seems knowledgeable and fair. I think she understands that her job is anything that needs to be done and doesn’t put things off until a day before the audit and then tries to find and fix everything that should have been done for the last 6 months. It doesn’t matter that she and I aren’t best friends, we’re coworkers. I can smile and ask her how her weekend was without worrying that because I wouldn’t go get drunk at happy hour with her I’m not going to get my vacation time approved. But I’m at a loss. While many things are the same because I’m still in the same field, many things are different. For the first time in a long time I’m not an expert and I can’t help the way I’m accustomed to because I have to learn a new system and variations of procedures. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. The hubo keeps trying to reassure me but I feel so confused… I want to be able to do it all already. It’s so hard for me to slow down and ask for help.  Plus by taking this job I made it impossible to continue to go to school. I guess I didn’t realize when I was doing it that I was giving up my dream because I was torn about finishing.  Now that it’s gone I’m sad. I know that I’m making this sacrifice for my family because we want to purchase a home in the near future and school was getting more and more expensive.  I love my family and the life that we’re building together but I still want to feel the same satisfaction at work. I don’t know where this new job is heading… It has only been like a week of actual work (I had 2 weeks of training) but I just feel so out-of-sorts. I need to lift my head, look at the opportunity in the eye and roll with the punches but now I’M GOING TO GET MY STUPID PERIOD AND WANT TO CRY OVER A COUNTRY MUSIC LYRIC!